I’m a stuffer.
I have the ability to cram it all up inside and slap a mask on that says “I can’t be hurt”.
I have the capacity to wad up my heart into a little ball of ice and never let it go deep or get real.
I know all too well what it means to float on the surface like an ice cube and disappear when the fires of life storm in.
In fact, there was a time when that surface place was a comforting home to me. It was my way of escaping pain and vulnerability. Inside I hid a bleeding heart. On the outside I wore a mask that did a really good job at giving the impression of a tough exterior.
Behind that mask I felt safe and in control.
Until behind that mask I started scaring myself.
Suicidal thoughts crept in. I was overtaken by self loathing to the point I felt the need to hurt myself. Cutting became a way to relieve the pain.
I felt powerless to stop, but had a sense of power and control as I tried to cut just a bit further, just a bit deeper.
I was scared out of my mind.
The inaudible cries of my soul must have pounded on the Lord’s heart. It needed relief from the cold, hard place my heart and mind lived in.
As I stood over the sink, watching blood drip from my wrist, a whisper breathed, “Jesus’ blood was red, too.”
In that moment, I was brought face to face with love in its purest form. My soul found rest and I knew the truth:
Jesus had already bled for me, I needn’t do it again.
He had already paid the price for my shame, I needn’t to be held by it’s grips.
He had already conquered all fear. And won! I didn’t need to fight mine alone.
As I grasped at straws of hope, I was engulfed by the feeling that His love was raining down all around me and all I needed to do was be drenched in it.
Right then, there was peace and rest from all that was evil, causing my soul to cease screaming and my heart to open the tiniest sliver.
The rays of His love streamed into that cold place called my heart. The warmth of His acceptance was strange, but beckoned me to reach for more. It warmed what was cold, brought softness to what was hard, illuminated what was dark.
His love invited me to a place where lies are revealed, fears are relieved, guilt is unburdened and dignity restored.
He bade me come near to the place under His wings where there is protection and peace.
I saw that being rescued from the kingdom of deception my heart had built, meant I could simply lay all my fears and anxiety at Jesus’ feet. In return He would gift me with peace, rest and the promise of life.
His blood once ran down in the color of love.
His hands reached out to take my fear.
His light penetrated the darkest night.
His love still thaws the coldest heart.
His peace now soothes my tired mind.
His assurance washed away the need for a mask.His love paid the price. Now I'm free to worship without shame. Click To Tweet
Today, as I return to His presence, He proves once more to have an unending supply of this love and healing.
Its in Him that I now feel safe. Its in Him that I now find strength.
Gone are the walls.
The mask has been replaced by beauty.
The icy heart now beats warmth and care.
The barren ground now bears fruit.
The taste is sweet, and you too, are invited to His feast of love.
The Lord longs to make our hearts new; to give us hearts of flesh for the ones of stone.
You see, the heart is deceptive. It can turn itself to stone. It can turn us into self-deceivers and self-destroyers, cheating us into our own ruin.
He stands at the door and knocks, ready to impart His light and His love.
Ready to replace all you think you have for all you’ve never dared hope for.
Won’t you open your heart? Even just a sliver?The taste of His love is sweet to the soul and you are invited to feast upon it. Click To Tweet