Things I Want my Daughter to Know Before Becoming a Wife

Many of the questions my daughters are asking lately are somehow related to the marriage relationship or about becoming a wife.

They go through it all: the excitement, the mystery, the wonder, the giggles, the ‘eeww, gross!’ yet ‘I-want-to-have-that-relationship-someday’ feelings.

I’ve come to understand that this comes from a greater source than just their little minds. God has set the marriage relationship right at the heart of His kingdom, modeled by Christ and the church.

So I cannot help but smile every time I see their wonderment, knowing full well that I’m seeing a bit of kingdom interests in their innocent questions.

With this comes the awesome responsibility of guiding them toward truth through wise counsel.

My prayer for my daughters is that they would each find a godly man who will be their protector, provider, their wise and capable leader.

Handing them over to a man who will make mistakes, might not care for them the way we would, will fall short of his God-ordained role, and cause them pain is a very sobering thought for this young mom’s heart.

I would love to spare them the pains of real life and real marriage, but I know I cannot, so I do the best I know how in equipping them with wisdom for the years ahead.

1. Find a man who loves Jesus more than he loves you.

In this, they’ll find a man who will strive to keep himself pure and honorable before the Lord. When he has his eyes set on a heavenly goal, all other areas of his life will follow.

The second thing I want my daughters to understand is:

2. Not all submission is biblical submission.

(I know, right? Not at all what you were expecting to read, huh?)

The bible speaks a great deal on the value of submission. Here are just a few:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22

“…the holy women of the past who put their trust in the God… were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 1 Peter 3:5-6

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

It is interesting that right after each of these passages, there are just as many or even more instruction for husbands on how they are to treat their wives. I encourage you to go read them. Not to point out what your husband is doing wrong, but to understand that while our God expects each to do as they are called, He also promotes equality.

As wives, we are specifically called to submission as unto the Lord.

If your husband asks or requires you to do anything directly against God’s word, your submission would not be biblical. Your submission would be sin.

If submission to your husband means you harm yourself, or others, physically, emotionally, verbally or spiritually, it’s not biblical submission. It’s submission to sin.

If submission to your husband would require you to lie, cheat or destroy any moral character, that would be submission to sin.

Biblical submission is not forced, demanded, manipulated or fear inspired. If your submission means empowering sin, it is not biblical submission.

Submission should always promote attitudes of respect, self sacrifice and genuine love for the other. Submission should be mutual, out of respect for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

Biblical submission is the voluntary act of allegiance; making yourself part of his team, standing by your man.

Biblical submission is the voluntary act of supporting your husband with your words and actions.

Biblical submission is the voluntary act of obeying God’s word first, then your husband’s.

So, if what your husband asks of you or does to you is in violation to God’s word, wisely consider seeking truth. Sometimes truth is painful and messy. Sometimes truth brings worse before it brings better. But it is always right; it is always best.

Divorce should be taken off the table, but purity before the Lord should never be compromised.

One last note on this: it is vital that you evaluate your motivations in any given situation. Sometimes you will be wrong. Acknowledge when you are, and change any destructive attitudes you might have.

Choose wisely, dear daughter. You are strong and smart. In Christ you are fully equipped to do this!

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  1. Leah Adams says:

    Oh Kaylene, what a wise and godly post. I love this: ‘find a man who loves Jesus more than he loves you’. Yes, just yes!! Pinning this post today. Such great advice.

  2. Dawn says:

    This is a conversation I have had with my girls on occasion. More often it is one played out in action rather than words. 1 Peter 3:2, in the Amplified version, elaborates what the word reverence means…to respect, esteem, appreciate, prize, and in the human sense, to adore, admire, be deeply devoted to, deeply love and enjoy our husbands.

    That is how we win without words, when actions follow the love God delights in.

    Teaching them the power of that beautiful adorning of the heart, reminding them they are loved and lovable will guide them to look for men who love Jesus more.

    I also told my girls that they need to be so lost in God thay the one who is looking for them must first look to God to find them. 😉

    Wise words, Kaylene!♡

  3. Jen says:

    Kaylene, such wise words for your daughters. I especially liked that you covered both sides of the submission equation. I think it’s important for us to teach our daughters what true biblical submission is and is not. Thanks for a great start to this amazing series!
    Jen 🙂

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      Thank you, Jen. I tried to touch on both sides of submission without it becoming a lecture. My prayer for this post is that it will speak to women in general by scratching the surface in a way that is encouraging to their hearts, instead of pointing out what they’ve done wrong or should be doing better.

  4. Holly Brown says:

    I love the challenge and truth in this post, Kaylene. I pry fervently for my kids’ spouses but also for their own formation as godly spouses themselves. Thank you for kicking off this series with such a wise and beautiful post, friend!

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      Me, too, Holly! There have been times I didn’t pray for their spouses during bedtime prayer & they would say, “Mom! Pray for my husband.” LOL Thank you for reading!

  5. Dawn says:

    I loved reading this, and I’ll pass these truths along to my daughter. You did a great job of explaining biblical submission. That can be a scary word when we don’t understand what God means.

  6. Betsy de Cruz says:

    Great post, Kaylene, and a wonderful start-up to your series! Such wise advice when you suggest your daughter look for someone who loves Jesus more than He loves her. I really appreciate that. Your comments on submission are enlightening too. I’m blessed to have a husband who never asks me to submit to sin. May the Lord bless your words, your blog, and your readers during this series!

  7. Heather @ My Overflowing Cup says:

    LOVE all of these, Kaylene, but in my opinion, #1 is the most important. If a woman marries a man who loves Jesus more than her, all has to be well in that marriage.

    What a beautiful post and a wonderful idea for a series. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of it. I can’t wait to read all 30 days!

    Blessings to you and yours, my friend.

  8. Lydia says:

    Since I am now pregnant with our very first girl, this post resonates so much with me. Oh how I want and pray for our daughter to marry a godly man! I pray for our sons to marry godly women. I also pray that God will bless us with beautiful relationships with our future daughters-in-law and son-in-law. I’m certainly pinning this and saving it for later! Thank you!

  9. Sam says:

    Such an encouragement! Thank you Kayline 🙂
    I love that “Find a man who loves Jesus more than He loves you!” so so true!

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