Position Over Performance

This whole submission and respect thing started making sense to me when I realized three things:

1. My husband has a POSITION.

2. My husband has a PERFORMANCE.

3. I must never confuse the order of the two.


My husband’s God ordained position is this:

“The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” ~Ephesians 5:23~

 His efforts don’t always look the way I wish, but my husband is my leader, put there by God. This includes my husband as of the family, leader of the home, and spiritual leader. 

His performance should look like this:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” ~Ephesians 5:25

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”  ~Colossians 3:19~

But what if it doesn’t?

Then, I too, have a position and a performance.

My God ordained position is this: 

“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” ~Ephesians 5:24~

My performance should look like this:

“the wife must respect her husband” ~Ephesians 5:3~ 

“love their husbands and children, to be self controlled…pure…busy at home…kind…subject to their husbands…” ~Titus 2:4-5~

But what if it doesn’t?

Then I sin. You see, I am the only one whose performance I can be responsible for. 

Basing my performance solely on my husband’s performance is a foolish practice indeed. 

[bctt tweet=”I’m learning to respect my husband based on his position not his performance. #marriage “]

We are wise to not be so easily distracted by our desires to be well led and cherished by our husbands so much that we lose our intimacy with Christ.

We can have peace and rest in the knowledge that our ability to love and respect our husband comes from a strength that is not of ourselves but of the God Who loves us.

“for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” ~Philippians 2:13~

“Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,” ~Zechariah 4:6~

“the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.” ~Isaiah 12:2~

As a wife after God’s own heart, I can humble myself before the Lord and take on the role of my position without complaining, just as Christ took on the cross for the church.

As I am learning to submit to God’s design of marriage, and accept the role He has entrusted to me, I am learning that I can be 

  • self-controlled, not responding in inappropriate ways when he upsets me
  • clear minded not functioning solely on how I feel or what I may think of his ways
  • gentle and kind in my responses to him
  • patient when he is rude
  • have peace in looking to an eternal perspective
  • strengthened by the grace that has been so freely showered upon me

As I  seek to be in the Lord’s will, I am learning that I am cultivating a heart like His toward my husband. 

I’m seeing that somehow I have the strength to live life from a perspective of how He sees marriage rather than through how I feel at any given moment.

When my husband fails in his role, I am more willing to extend an extra measure toward him, forgiving him and encouraging him in a way that is most pleasing to our Creator.

It’s not easy. But in Christ I can.

If you, too, desire to be a wife who sees her husband’s God ordained position of greater importance than his sinful, less-than-perfect performance, will you pray with me?


Father, thank you for sending Your Son to  be the perfect example of humility. I know Your design for marriage replicates that of Christ and the Church. Help me now to do my part. Help me respect and honor my husband based on the position You have given him, rather than how he performs in that position.

May my perception of my own position not be one of disdain as the world sees it and as the enemy would have it, but one of confident trust in You, extending grace to him as You have done for me.

Father, through my humble submission to You let my performance bring honor and glory to You, my husband, my family, and my position as wife.

In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.


  1. elizabeth says:

    This is a great post. I like how you accept what the Bible says as is. Very rare in this culture. I'm visiting from Jennifer's link up this week.

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      Thank you for visiting Elizabeth! I like black & white, no fluff, truth. If God says it, so it is. I cannot elaborate on His words for fear of devaluing them 🙂 to Him the honor! Blessings to you & yours!

  2. Andrea says:

    I loved this post, absolutely LOVED it! I'll never look at the words position and performance in the same way again. A great reminder about who each spouse is and what God has called us to do. I'll be sharing this with the ladies at our next Bible study. Thank you!

  3. Beth Stiff says:

    I very much appreciate this post especially as I begin this Love Dare journey. This will really stay with me… "A wife who bases her performance solely on her husband's performance is a foolish wife indeed." Thank you for sharing with TWW.

  4. gentlejoy says:

    This is great information…. We need to respect our husbands because God says to…..not because he is being respectable. A bit of a difference at times. We dare not excuse any sin in ourselves for any reason…. although sometimes we like to try…. "but he__________". Never an acceptable reason to God. Thank you for posting this. 🙂

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      You are so right! Never acceptable to God. When difficulties arise, race to the cross. See who can get there first! May I always be the one to extend grace & forgiveness first, because Jesus did for me! Blessings to you & yours!

  5. Helene Smith says:

    There's a lot to say about trying our best to be right in God's eyes regardless of anyone else's behavior. Christians just aren't called to be reactionary. Thanks for your deeply grounded post.

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      Helene, thank you for stopping by & leaving kind words. Reactions seem to be my tendencies, but can be overcome through Jesus! Ptl! May we never cease striving for righteousness!

  6. Kalley C says:

    This post really speaks to me. I love how you laid out the words for us. You are so right, we are to respect our husbands because God has told us to. This is regardless if we feel like they deserve it. Dropping in from the Sunday Community.

  7. Laura Boggess says:

    I've never thought of it quite like this, Kaylene. It makes things much more clear, doesn't it? Thank you for this, friend. Grateful to come here from Playdates with God.

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      Hi Marissa! Our God is not the author of confusion. His plan is stated simply! We tend to over think it 😉 or maybe it's because don't like humbling ourselves to His authority & His good and perfect plan! Thank you for making Salt & Light possible.

  8. Alison Agnew says:

    Excellent, excellent post. Thank the Lord that He does not treat us as our performance deserves. I am so thankful for a godly marriage that allows us the grace to forgive each other when we fail. And thankful for my husband&#39;s position as the head of our home. Thanks for sharing at Fridays Unfolded!<br /><br />Alison<br />Nancherrow

  9. Sharita says:

    This is great, sister! I know that for many years of my early life the whole &quot;submission&quot; thing made me twitch… But once I got to know Jesus and understood His example, it all made sense and was a privilege and blessing.

  10. JustBeBeth says:

    This is one of those truths that is so very simple to understand and not always so easy to execute. But a beautiful thing to strive for each day. Thanks for linking to Unforced Rhythms.

  11. Heather @ My Overflowing Cup says:

    This is such a wonderful post, Kaylene. If we saw one another in light of our positions and not our performance, the world would be a better place. This holds true in all of our relationships but especially in our marriages.

    I heard a sermon on this once and the Pastor said that if we have a problem submitting to our husbands, then we have a problem submitting to God. OUCH!

    Thanks for this important reminder.

    Blessings to you and yours, my friend!

  12. Tobi says:

    Thank you for this post. I am 5 months in my marriage and learning to trust God to be all He created me to be as His daughter and a wife to my husband. I find your blog so helpful and encouraging

    • Kaylene Yoder says:

      I’m so glad the Lord is speaking to you through this space. I pray He will continue leading you to resources and people who can speak hope and life into you, your marriage and your family. 💗

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